Ed was driving a bus. Everyone thought they were going to Newport, Rhode Island. Ed wanted to go to Ypsilanti, New York. He picked up his handy intercom microphone .
"Does anyone want to go to Ypsilanti, New York?" Ed inquired. No one objected.
"Ypsilanti it is then, " said Ed, and executed an awkward U-turn over the grassy traffic median.
Immediately someone objected. She was an elderly woman who looked as if she might own a schnauzer. She poked Ed with her cane.
"Young man," said the elderly woman. "I demand to know the meaning of this. "
"We're going to Ypsilanti, New York" commented Ed. ÒTo visit my aunt."
"What?" asked a young woman in a floral fishing cap. "I'm visiting my aunt in Newport, Rhode Island. "
"We 'll visit my aunt first, " said Ed soothingly. "Then we 'll visit your aunt. "
"What?!" said a young man in a frayed linen tunic. "I'm going to my aunt's for Thanksgiving dinner. "
"What?!" said the elderly woman. "I am an aunt and I'm visiting my nieces for the holiday. "
It turned out that everyone had something in common. They were either aunts, or they were visiting an aunt for the holiday. Except Ed's aunt lived in Ypsilanti, New York, and everyone else's aunt lived in Newport, Rhode Island.
"We'll go to Ypsilanti first," said Ed soothingly. "Then we'll go to Newport."
"What? ! " said a man who looked as though he had consumed too many acid-indigestion pills. "I demand to go to Rhode Island."
"Pretend you are all the victims of mass hypnosis " Ed said soothingly "Pretend you all thought I was taking you to Newport, Rhode Island, even though I was really taking you to Ypsilanti, New York to visit my aunt. "
Everyone was quiet and then started clapping. It seemed appropriate.
Later, the woman in the floral fishing cap walked to the front of the bus.
"Are we there, yet?" she inquired of Ed.
"Where?" Ed asked.
"Newport, Rhode Island. " she said.
"We'll be there soon," Ed said soothingly. "After we visit my aunt. "
"Oh, " said the woman. "Where does your aunt live ? "
"Ypsilanti, New York. " said Ed.
"Oh, " said the woman, and walked back to her seat .
"Better act fast, " thought Ed. "They are starting to snap out of it . "
Ed picked up his microphone. "Soon we will be arriving in Newport, Rhode Island. " he said over the intercom. "If you have been misinformed, and think you are going to Ypsilanti, New York, you have been misinformed. Also," he continued,"Do not try to exit this vehicle as you are flying several thousand feet above the ground. " Immediately someone objected. He was a trim little fellow with a nervous tick on his chin.
"If we are flying several thousand feet above the ground, how come all these cars are passing us by? " he inquired .
"Pretend you are all the victims of mass hypnosis. Pretend those cars are very large birds. " Ed said soothingly.
Everyone was quiet and then started clapping. It seemed appropriate.
Later, the young man in the frayed linen tunic stepped up to Ed. "I opened up my window," he informed Ed.
"Better close it, " said Ed. "The air pressure could really get to you. Anyway, those very large birds flying by might want to fly in the window, and might be encouraged to nest. "
"Oh, " said the young man. "Not good. "
"Not good, " repeated Ed. "Not good at all"
"So," said the young man. "When are we reaching Ypsilanti?"
Now Ed was confused. ÒWe're going to Newport, Rhode Island to visit your aunts" he said soothingly.
"Oh," said the young man. "Then how do you account for all the signs for Ypsilanti we've been seeing?"
"Oh no," thought Ed. "Better think fast. He's starting to snap out of it.
"Pretend you're the victim of mass hypnosis, and we've run into turbulence at several thousand feet above the ground and those aren't signs for Ypsilanti, New York, those are fluffy white clouds. " said Ed soothingly.
"Fluffy white clouds?" asked the young man.
"Fluffy white clouds . " repeated Ed. The young man was quiet, and then started clapping. It seemed appropriate.
Later, the elderly woman who looked as if she might own a schnauzer came to the front of the bus. She poked Ed with her cane.
"Are we there yet, young man?" she queried querulously.
"Where, " asked Ed. Now he was really confused.
"Ypsilanti, New York." said the elderly woman.
"Pretend you are the victim of mass hypnosis, and you are in a plane several thousand feet above the ground, and every time you get up from your seat, we experience turbulence. " said Ed soothingly.
"Pretend you are the victim of mass hypnosis, and Ypsilanti, New York, has been relocated to Newport, Rhode Island. " said the elderly woman soothingly.
Ed thought for a moment . "O.K. " he said, and executed an awkward U-turn over the grassy traffic median.
"I had better sit down," said the elderly woman. "I think we are experiencing turbulence. "
Eventually, everyone arrived in Ypsilanti, New York, which had been recently relocated, to Newport, Rhode Island. Ed disembarked from his plane, and was given a merit award for calm in the midst of crisis . The passengers disembarked, and assisted Ed in finding his aunt, who had been recently relocated to Newport, Rhode Island along with the rest of Ypsilanti. Altogether, everyone involved was a bit shaken, but otherwise 0. K.
© sarah smiley 1993