Ed was sitting in his Swivel Chair which had extra ball bearings for greater Swivel-Ease. He was somewhat uneasy, because he had a hunch that someone was going to pull a FAST ONE so he decided to himself that short of an Irrelevant Technicality, nothing was going to slip past him. today.
Right on the spot of 9:00 A.M., shortly after Ed had adjusted his Swivel Chair for greater Swivel-Ease, a woman in brisk low heels and short brisk hands clicked in. She looked as though she might write in shorthand. She handed Ed a Stack of Letters
"I would like to mail these Letters.. Could you sell me a few stamps?" she inquired of Ed.
Ed took a look at her Letters. "Absolutely not!" he said emphatically.
The woman in brisk low heels and short brisk hands looked surprised. "Why not?" she asked Ed.
"Did someone dictate these addresses to you from shorthand?" asked Ed sternly.
"Yes they did," said the woman with brisk low heels and short brisk hands efficiently.
"HMMM" said Ed.
"What?" asked the woman .
"Well," Ed explained, "You haven't transcribed them properly. I can't read them." "I have transcribed them properly," insisted the woman in brisk low heels and short brisk hands. "You just can't read my handwriting."
"Exactly," said Ed.
"What?" asked the woman in brisk low heels and short brisk hands.
"If I can't read it, it doesn't get mailed," said Ed firmly.
"Why can't we just slip it through," wheedled the woman in brisk low heels and short brisk hands.
"No," said Ed firmly. "No 'slip it through' business. If I can't read it, it doesn't get mailed. Why don't you come back tomorrow? The person on duty tomorrow might be able to slip it through"
The woman in brisk low heels and short brisk hands opened her mouth to say something. Then she turned angrily on her brisk low heels, and walked out of the Post Office.
Later, right on the spot of 11:00, shortly after Ed had adjusted his Swivel Chair for greater Swivel-Ease, a man dressed in what was clearly his high school graduation suit walked in. It was evident that his suit did not quite fit him. He handed Ed something which appeared to be a Postcard.
"I would like to mail this Postcard. Could you sell me a Postcard Stamp?" he inquired of Ed.
Ed took a look at the thing which appeared to be a Postcard. "Absolutely not!" he said emphatically.
The man dressed in what was clearly his high school graduation suit looked surprised. "Why not?" he asked Ed.
"Well," Ed explained. "A lot of reasons."
"Like what?" the man dressed in what was clearly his high school graduation suit further inquired of Ed.
"For example," explained Ed sternly, "That is not a Postcard. It is approximately one-eighth of an inch too large to be considered a Postcard."
The man dressed in what was clearly his high school graduation suit paused in thought. After a while, he said to Ed, "What if I mailed this as a Letter? I'd be willing to pay the extra postage."
"Sorry," said Ed. "It is approximately one-eighth of an inch too small to be considered a Letter."
"Well, then," sputtered the man dressed in what was clearly his high school graduation suit, "What is it?"
"It is a big bother," said Ed factually. "It is just plain the wrong size"
"Well, then," sputtered the man dressed in what was clearly his high school graduation suit, "Can't you just let it slip by?"
"No," said Ed firmly. "None of this 'slip by' business. If it isn't the right size, it doesn't get mailed. Why don't you come back tomorrow? The person on duty tomorrow might let it 'slip by'"
The man dressed in what was clearly his high school graduation suit sputtered for a bit, and then walked angrily out of the Post Office.
Later, right on the spot of 1:00, sortly after Ed had adjusted his Swivel Chair for greater Swivel-Ease, a man in a black beret and too-short black pants walked in. He was stroking a thin goatee. He handed Ed an Awkwardly Shaped Package.
"I would like to mail this Package. It is a Priceless Work of Art which must arrive in New York by 10:00 A.M. tomorrow. Could you sell me a Stamp for it?" he inquired of Ed.
Ed took a look at the package. "Absolutely not!" he said emphatically.
The man in the black beret with the too-short black pants looked angry and pulled his goatee..
"Why not?" he inquired of Ed.
"Well," said Ed. "A lot of reasons."
"Name one!" said the man in the black beret and too-short pants belligerently.
"First of all," said Ed, "that Package is very Awkwardly Shaped. It makes me suspicious."
"Oh," said the man in the black beret and too-short pants. "So if this were in a Brown Square Box with lots of Packing Paper, you would not be suspicious."
"That is right," said Ed factually.
"Well," said the man in the black beret with the too-short black pants, "The problem is, my Sculpture is made out of Packing Paper, so if I put it in a Box of Packing Paper, people might become confused."
"Oh," said Ed sternly. "You should have thought of that before you made your Sculpture. Also," he continued, "People don't just put stamps on Priceless Works of Art to send them somewhere."
"I do," said the man in the black beret and slightly too-short black pants.
"No, you don't," said Ed. "Or maybe you do, but you can't, because I won't send it."
"Why not?" said the man in the black beret and too short black pants. He pulled his goatee angrily.
"It is just plain too suspicious looking." said Ed factually. "Why don't you come back tomorrow? The person on duty tomorrow might not think it is suspicious-looking."
The man in the black beret and too-short black pants pulled his goatee for a moment, and then stomped angrily out of the Post Office.
Later, right on the spot of 5:00, just as Ed was about to push in his Swivel Chair and close the Post Office, a suspicious-looking character with a Large Blue Ticking Box came shuffling in. He was clean-shaven and looked as though he might be a serial killer. He handed Ed the Large Blue Ticking Box.
"I would like to mail this Box to a friend of mine. I was wondering if you could give me a few stamps since I don't have any money." he said to Ed.
"Oh," said Ed sarcastically. "I suppose you want me to 'slip it by'"
"Not at all," said the suspicious looking character with the Large Blue Ticking Box "I just figured since it was in a Large Blue Box, it wouldn't be any problem."
Ed thought for a moment.
"That's irrelevant," he commented.
"Exactly," said the suspicious-looking character with the Large Blue Ticking Box.
"Well," said Ed after some thought, "Since it's Blue, I guess I'll let it 'slip by' this time."
"Hey, thanks, buddy," said the suspicious-looking character gratefully. He put the Large Blue Ticking Box on the counter in front of Ed.
"Guess I have to close up now," hinted Ed.
"Guess I had better be leaving now," said the suspicous-looking character as he scurried hurriedly away. Ed took the Large Blue Ticking Box off the counter, and put it carefully on top of another box that was marked "fragile", pushed in his Swivel Chair, and locked the Post Office up for the night.
© sarah smiley 1993