Ed was selling Utility Clips. Usually he was in charge of people who sold Utility Clips, but since it was his Main Man's Day Off, Ed was doing it himself. Humming a subliminal Utility Clip Selling Sales Pitch, Ed drove his Utility Clip-Mobile to the site of his first Potential Sales Target.
Ed had honed his Sales Pitch to an almost imperceptible frequency, and he hummed it as he set his sights on the house of a Possible Customer. The house was white with brown trim, with a small round bush at the end of the walk. Ed walked up the walk and knocked on the door.
"Who is it?" inquired a voice from within.
"Utility Clip Sales Man" stated Ed.
"I don't want any," said the voice. Immediately, Ed hummed his Utility Clip Sales Pitch that much louder. In a few minutes, a Baggy Eyed Man in a Denim Body Suit opened the door.
"Whatever you are selling, I don't have any money" he informed Ed. Ed stopped humming. "I'm selling Utility Clips,"he said. "Believe me, they are very useful. Plus, they have an adhesive strip on the back, so they stick to almost anything."
The Baggy-Eyed Man considered. "Well," he said, "They do seem to be something that would be good to have around the house. Tell you what. I will trade you two of the Utility Clips for this broken television I have lying around here."
Ed was troubled by the ethics of the proposal. "Oh, I couldn't," he said staunchly. "This broken television is much bigger than my Utility Clips"
"Well," said the Baggy-Eyed Man, "Your Utility Clips are much more useful than my broken television."
"I guess it all evens out then," conceded Ed.
"Yes," said the Baggy-Eyed Man, "Except what are you going to do with this broken television?"
"I'll put it in my Utility Clip-Mobile." stated Ed. "I park it nearby so I'm always well stocked. However,"he continued, "I am going to have to give you a few more Utility Clips to make room for this broken television."
"Oh I couldn't," said the Baggy Eyed Man.
"They are very useful," hinted Ed.
"Oh alright," consented the Baggy-Eyed Man.
Ed went over to his Utility Clip-Mobile and removed enough Utility Clips to make room for the broken television. He put the Utility Clips into a Large Sack, and handed them to the Baggy-Eyed Man.
"Enjoy your Utility Clips," said Ed cheerfully.
"I'm sure they will be very useful," said the Baggy-Eyed Man. He went back to his house, humming a little tune, and Ed got in his Utility Clip-Mobile, and drove to the site of his next Potential Sales Target.
Later, Ed parked his Utility Clip-Mobile, as he set his sights on the house of a Possible Customer. The house was white with brown trim, and had a light blue bird bath to the left of the walk. Humming a subliminal Utility Clip Selling Sales Pitch, Ed walked up the walk and knocked on the door.
"Who is it?" inquired a voice from within.
"Utility Clip Sales Man," stated Ed.
"I don't want any," said the voice. Immediately, Ed hummed his Utility Clip Sales Pitch that much louder. In a few minutes, a round woman in a Hot-Pink Bathrobe, and two Hot Pink Curlers on top of her head opened the door.
"I have spent my last dollar on groceries, and I have none left over for Utility Clips" she informed Ed. "Plus, I have to get my children off to school, so I have no time to talk to you."
"Utility Clips can save you time," said Ed. "If you know where you've clipped things, you don't waste as much time looking for them."
The woman in the Hot-Pink Bathrobe thought about that. "Listen," she said, "I got an old refrigerator that doesn't work, but it has great storage capacity. Maybe you could use it as a closet or something. I will trade you my broken refrigerator for a few of your Utility Clips."
Ed was troubled by the ethics of the proposal. "That hardly seems fair," he said. "Your refrigerator is a lot bigger than my Utility Clips."
"Yes,"said the woman in the Hot-Pink Bathrobe, "But you can do a lot more things with Utility Clips than you can with a broken refrigerator. They are much more useful as time saving devices, for example."
"That is true," conceded Ed. "However, I shall have to give you a few more Utility Clips to make room for this broken refrigerator. Otherwise, there will not be room in my Utility Clip-Mobile."
"Like how many Utility Clips," inquired the woman in the Hot-Pink Bathrobe.
"Like As many as it takes to make room for the refrigerator," said Ed matter-of-factly.
"I don't want that many," stated the woman in the Hot-Pink Bathrobe.
"Then no go,"said Ed.
The woman thought about that. "How about you leaving these Utility Clips in two big garbage bags by the side of the road in front of my house."
"They would not be put to good use," said Ed emphatically. "How about me forgetting the whole thing and driving away."he asked.
"We can't have that," said the woman in the Hot Pink Bathrobe hastily. "How about I help you get the refrigerator into your truck, and you give me a bunch of Utility Clips which I will put to good use?"
Ed thought about that. "It's a done deal," he said.
Ed backed his Utility Clip-Mobile into the driveway, and brought out Two Large Sacks of Utility Clips. Then they hoisted the broken refrigerator into the Utility Clip-Mobile.
"Enjoy your Utility-Clips," said Ed cheerfully.
"I'm sure they will be useful," said the Woman in the Hot-Pink Bathrobe. She went back into her house, humming a little tune, and Ed got in his Utility Clip-Mobile, and drove to the site of his next Potential Sales Target.
Later, Ed parked his Utility Clip-Mobile, as he set his sights on the house of a Possible Customer. The house was white with brown trim, and had a car that looked as though it had been completely destroyed in the driveway. Humming a subliminal Utility Clip Selling Sales Pitch, Ed walked up the walk and knocked on the door.
"Who is it?" inquired a voice from within.
"Utility Clip Sales Man," stated Ed.
"My parents aren't home," said the voice. Immediately, Ed hummed his Utility Clip Sales Pitch that much louder. In a few minutes, a Thin Boy with a Scruffy Brown Moustache opened the door.
"Whatever you are selling, I have no money, and I'm not likely to get any, because I just totalled my parents' car, and I will probably be paying for that for a while," said the Thin Boy matter-of-factly.
Ed stopped humming. "I'm selling Utility Clips," he said. "They are versatile, easy to use, and what's more they are cheap."
The Thin Boy thought for a minute. "Well, " he said, "All I have to offer is this car in the driveway, and the only reason I can offer you that at all is because it is not very useful to anyone."
"Well,"stated Ed, "I hope you have room in your house for a lot of Utility Clips."
Later, as Ed was towing a car with his Utility Clip-Mobile, he thought with great glee about the amount of Utility Clips he had been able to unload. He also had picked up a mattress with broken springs, and a couch that was infested with fleas in the course of his travels. When he got back to the Utility Clip Main Distribution Office, he had to explain to his Boss about his sales performance.
"Well," Ed said matter-of-factly, "It was my Main Man's Day Off, so I had to go in his place. I traded hundreds of Utility Clips for things of virtually no value whatsoever."
"Well," said Ed's Boss matter-of-factly, "You are essentially plunging us into a black hole of debt by your sales techniques. I am afraid I will have to make you Utility Clip Regional Sales Manager rather than District Sales Manager. That way you won't have to be involved with sales."
"Alright," said Ed acquiescently.
"I will also have to pay you in Utility Clips, since that's how we pay all our Regional Managers." said Ed's Boss. "You can pick up your loaded Utility Clip-Mobile down in the garage. So enjoy your Utility Clips, Ed."
"I'm sure they will be very useful," said Ed. Ed left, and went to the Utility Clip-Mobile Parking Garage. He took his loaded Utility Clip-Mobile, and drove to the site of his next Potential Sales Target.
© sarah smiley 1993