Ed was delivering newspapers, singing telegrams, portable outdoor rotisseries and the like. He was having trouble carrying everything. He had an especially big load today, and every house he delivered to appeared to have taken every security precaution possible.
The first house he went to appeared to be guarded by vicious attack dogs. They slavered and yelped as he approached the gate. Ed hoped this was the person with the portable outdoor rotisserie because he was having a problem carrying everything.
"Delivery boy," said Ed into the intercom near the gate. In a few moments there was a response.
"What do you have for me? was the response.
"I have a package for you," said Ed responsibly.
From the house at the top of the hill emerged a man with lots of thick matted hair. He walked up to Ed, sidestepping the vicious attack dogs.
"You must have a brush for me, "said the man with the thick matted hair. Ed noted with some dismay that the man had not ordered a portable outdoor rotisserie. He pulled a brush from his delivery bag.
"This must be for you," said Ed responsibly, handing him the brush.
"It is indeed," said the man with the thick matted hair. "Phew. What a relief. I m going to a soiree this evening and I must look my best. Do you know of a barber who makes house calls?"
"No I do not," said Ed accurately.
"Sign here, please," continued Ed indicatively.
The man with the thick matted hair put his hand through the bars in the fence and signed with a thick matted scrawl. Then he handed Ed a package.
"Here's a tip," he said. Ed hoped it was lunch because he hadn't any.
It turned out to be a thin red dress.
"Thanks," said Ed anyway, and put it in his delivery bag.
Later, Ed approached another house. He was having a particularly rough day because every house he was delivering to seemed to be taking every security precaution possible. This house appeared to be surrounded by rusty barbed tipped with little glass shards. Ed hoped this was the person with the portable outdoor rotisserie because he was having a problem carrying everything.
"Delivery boy," said Ed into the intercom near the gate. In a few moments there was a response.
"What do you have for me," was the response.
"I have a package for you," said Ed responsibly.
From the house at the top of the hill emerged a thin woman in a thin slip, with piled high hair, and dressy yet comfortable heels. She had thin red lips. She walked up to the gate, narrowly averting the glass-tipped barbed wire.
"What package do you have for me," she inquired of Ed. Ed looked at his package list.
"There appears to have been a mix-up," he said. "I will name some things I have, and you can tell me if you were expecting them." Ed looked at his list.
"Did you order a portable outdoor rotisserie?" Ed asked hopefully. He was tired of carrying the one he had.
"No," said the woman.
"Did you order a singing telegram? Ed asked anxiously. He didn't have any left.
"No", said the woman.
"Did you order a thin red dress," asked Ed conclusively.
"Yes," said the woman decidedly. "What a relief. I'm going to a soiree, and I must look my best. Do you know of a tailor who makes house calls?"
"No, I do not, " said Ed accurately. "Sign here, please, " continued Ed indicatively.
The woman with the thin red lips signed with a thin red scrawl. She then Ed handed a package . "Here's a tip, " she said . Ed hoped it was lunch because he hadn't any.
It turned out to be a walking stick that folded out to become a lawn chair. "Thanks, " said Ed anyway, and put it into his delivery bag.
Later, Ed approached another house . He was having a particularly rough day because every house he was delivering to seemed to be taking every security precaution possible. This house appeared to be surrounded by a large moat filled with vicious piranha. Only partly hidden by the grass on the hill were various sizes of steel traps. Ed hoped that this was the person with the portable rotisserie because he was having a problem carrying everything.
"Delivery boy, said Ed into the intercom near the gate. In a few moments there was a response.
"What do you have for me, " was the response .
"I have a package for you, " said Ed responsibly.
From the house at the top of the hill emerged an older man in a fancy suit coat with tails. He appeared to be missing a foot. He limped down the hill, dodging steel traps as he did so. A thoroughbred dog followed him. It appeared to be missing a foot as well. Finally the man reached the gate.
"What package do you have for me, " the man inquired of Ed, breathing heavily.
"There appears to have been a mix-up," Ed said. "I will name some things I have, and you can tell me if you were expecting them. " Ed looked at his list. "Did you order a portable outdoor rotisserie?" asked Ed hopefully. He was tired of carrying the one he had.
"No, " said the man .
"Did you order a thin red dress, " Ed asked anxiously. He had given away the only one he had .
"No, " said the man.
"Did you order a walking stick that folds out to become a lawn chair, asked Ed.
"Yes ," said the older man in the fancy suit coat with tails. "I ordered it for a soiree I was to attend, but it appears I will not be able to go "Do you know of a doctor who makes house calls?"
"No I do not," said Ed regretfully . "Sign here please, " continued Ed indicatively.
The older man in the fancy suit coat with tails folded out the walking stick, sat down, and signed Ed's book with a fancy scrawl. "Here's a tip, Ed," he said, handing Ed a package. It turned out to be lunch, and Ed was very glad . The older man in the fancy suit coat with tails watched Ed from his lawn chair as Ed continued down the road.
Later, Ed approached another house. He was having a particularly rough day because every house he was delivering to seemed to have taken every security precaution possible. This house was not visible, only the hill upon which it might have been. Ed was puzzled.
"Delivery boy," said Ed into the intercom near the gate.A few moments later there was a response.
"What do you have for me?" was the response.
"I have a package for you," said Ed responsibly. From a hole near the top of the hill emerged a short bald very pale hairless man. He descended from the hill. It appeared that he dwelled underground.
"What package do you have for me," the short bald very pale hairless man inquired.
"There appears to have been a mix-up," Ed said. "I will name some things I have, and you can tell me if you were expecting them." Ed looked at his list.
"Did you order a portable outdoor rotisserie," Ed asked hopefully.
"Yes I did!" said the short bald very pale hairless man, jumping up and down. appeared consumed with glee. Ed too, felt consumed with glee.
"I'm very glad that this is yours. I've been carrying it for a while and it is getting kind of heavy," Ed commented.
"Yes, yes! said the short bald very pale hairless man, jumping up and down. "I'm throwing a soiree and I was hoping this would arrive in time. Would you care to come?"
Ed was pleased at the suggestion, but he had already had lunch.
"I've already had lunch," Ed explained factually.
"It's a neighbor thing you know," said the short bald very pale hairless man, jumping up and down. "I've invited all the neighbors. But it turns out they can't come. One of them has been eaten by vicious attack dogs, and one has sustained some sort of injury from rusty barbed wire, and I don't know what has happened to the third."
"He cut his leg off in a steel jaw trap," Ed said factually.
"Oh," said the short bald very pale hairless man. He seemed disappointed. He looked at the sky.
"How disappointing," he said. "And it looks like it is going to rain. I will have to throw the soiree indoors."
"l don't think it is a good idea to use that portable outdoor rotisserie indoors," Ed explained factually.
"Oh, nonsense. There's plenty of room," said the short bald very pale hairless man. "It will be pleasanter all around, and safe besides. My house is buried under 100 feet of concrete," he continued. "Are you sure you don't want to come"
"I've already had lunch," Ed explained factually.
"Well," said the short bald very pale hairless man, "I will have my little soiree by myself, underground. I will can the fire department if I run into any difficulties. Do you know the number of the fire department?"
"No I do not," said Ed factually.
"Sign here please," continued Ed indicatively. The short bald very pale hairless man signed with a short bald very pale hairless scrawl.
"I don't think it's a good idea to use the portable outdoor rotisserie indoors," said Ed factually.
"Oh, nonsense. There's plenty of room," said the short bald very pale hairless man. "Thank you for the rotisserie." Ed turned and headed down the drive. Some time later, he heard an explosion, and he surmised that the underground home had been blown up. "I wouldn't have used that portable outdoor rotisserie indoors," thought Ed conclusively, and continued on.
© sarah smiley 1992